Whenever a family member dies, there is a process that a healthy family undergoes in response to the loss of one of their own. After the death of one of the family members the family needs to get itself back into the rhythm and balance that was lost when the family member died. When we consider bereavement, we usually think in terms of separate individual grief, rather than thinking of it as a thing for the whole family. When someone dies a whole family has lost someone. Many times families are not aware of what they are doing. During the loss of a family member, individuals mourn differently depending on who has lost whom. The death of a spouse will alter in some way the survivor’s relationship. On the one hand children lose so much when siblings die. When they lose their brother or sister, they lose their family as they know it. The loss is profound. Brothers and sisters share a special bond. On the other hand, death of a parent is one of the most difficult experiences of lifetime. For children left behind after the death of aparent, it shifts responsibilities onto their own shoulders. And as we shall see in this chapter, the death of a child is an ordeal so traumatic that for many parents, it is profoundly painful. It throws many parents off balance.
Whether it comes suddenly or slowly, early or late, violently or serenely, the death of a loved one changes one’s world in a way that nothing else can. In a family setting the mourning families often have difficulty finding any of their own to validate each other’s feelings. At a bereavement meeting, we met a woman who was grieving the death of her mother. One day she made a mistake of crying in front of her sister. “What’s wrong with you?” her sister asked. Mourning does not have a timetable and individuals can mourn and grief for different lengths of time. One’s response, however, of the death of a parent will of course be influenced by a number of factors. The young woman in this case might have had strong relationship with her mother; for that reason she mourned the longest. According to Rando, the importance of the loss will be determined by the meaning of the relationship and the roles the parent played in one’s life at the time of death (1988, 137). These include the loss related to social expectations of the parent – the social roles and functions that the diseased played and expect to play in the future in his or her family, and in society at large, in addition to the simple unexpectedness of someone young dying before the older one (Kagan1998, 130). With all these complexities of the family, how do
we help the entire family deal with bereavement?
When a member of a family is dead, the whole family suffers the same profound loss at the same time. Acute grief disables all in the family. But, though particular styles of response are different, all are undone. Grief cuts all the family members at the knees, drains and depletes all. No one has power left to help the other. In the same family, one can see the other sinking, but no one is there to help for it is like all are drowning and none can help. Rosof points out that, “how one deals with loss of a family member is influenced by gender and the family that one grew into” (1994, 93). Men deal with grief different than woman.
Whatever the case may be, there is nothing like a good death in the family to bring out the best in humans. Thus, when there is a death in the family, the family needs to be looked after. Their emotional needs- needs to be taken care of; attention to them as mourners needs to be addressed. Many families at the time of loss want to feel noticed, protected, loved, and even are surprised by how caring people can be in terms of help. They need to receive flowers from friends, and neighbors. They need hugs of love and comfort. On many occasions they need many, they need thoughts to support them in planning for the funeral and after. Even those families that neither seek nor desire outside assistance find solace and strength when it is offered. according to Lightner, the majority of the help is offered in the beginning. Immediately after the death and for a few weeks following the funeral, friends can be exceptionally sensitive and giving. Flowers, food, phone calls, fond reminiscences, and, above all the mere presence of other people
are profoundly consoling. They convey the message that others recognize the depth of the loss, understand how difficult the adjustment is and want to help. This is something mourners are grateful to receive (Lighter 1990, 40).
When the whole family is in bereavement, it is a needy time. As mourners they are vulnerable in the extreme. Many things need to be done in the family, and yet the world has crashed on them. By the death of a loved one in the family, everything in life has been shattered. It is at this time that the family requires someone to call them and acknowledge the death of their loved one. Although they are individuals alone in their grief, personally affected, talking and sharing, and allowing other people inside their hearts as they mourn and grief, can lessen pain. Calling, and dropping by, are some of the ways that help can be given to family member at the time of loss. Tokens or flowers or cards pack have a lot of meaning to the bereaved family. One does not need to say much. An other important thing to do during bereavement is sharing. As Anders contends, families and friends who stay open, sharing their feelings whether hot or cold, trust each other more readily and survive losses with less guilt or ambivalence than families living with barriers (Sanders 1992, 203). Lightner agrees with Sanders when she points out that most mourners supremely touched when friends share stories about the deceased with them (Lightner1990, 46). Grief shared is grief diminished.
What most mourners seek is an indication that they will live through this sorrow, and that other people understand and sympathize. We need to know that as friends to those mourning, about whom we really care, there are easy ways to show them that we love them. We need to provide practical help. One can offer to go to the dry cleaner’s or wash the car. Bringing food is a custom that still serves today. It should be encouraged for the bereaved family will not have time to cook for themselves and the visitors coming to the family. Offering to cook food and bring it to the family is positive support. Attending the funeral service counts. It is support to the family. Many mourners have been incalculably moved by large turned at the funeral day. It makes a difference to the mourner to know that other people share their grief. And it is good to know that one’s loved one affected the lives of so many others. One can walk, share meals, or help the mourner clean out the garage. One’s presence matters. Many bereaved people spend a great deal of time alone; they dwell in grief, fear, and despair. During those empty hours and days, nothing is more soothing than the presence of an understanding friend. However, some people may want to be alone for them to process what is going on in their lives. Or they may wish to be speared the necessary of talk. One can continue to call weeks and months after the death. That’s
when many people begin to disappear into the ether, and that’s often when contact is most appreciated. One should ask if there is anything to be done to help. “Or do you want to talk?” Sometimes by asking a question help in clarifying the need.
One should touch the mourner to keep connected. Sometimes just a pat on the shoulder, back or a hug is all that is needed. It means a lot because the person in mourning often is touch deprived. Widows and widowers certainly feel this deprivation, but so do people who lose children – especially if the are single parents. If one is a single mother, physical touch is so important. To have someone there to hug the mourner, to put an arm around the shoulders or to touch the mourner’s hand, is extremely comforting. As the touching continues, let the mourner speak. This time of holding and letting the mourner speak helps them vent what is inside of them. It may be frustrations, anger, hopelessness, depression, and they may be desperate. Actually sitting in the kitchen and listening to someone who is bereaved can be helpful. When someone you love is mourning, it is kindness to listen, even if you have heard the story before. If the mourner
brings up the subject of the deceased or the death, it is always advisable to listen without
changing the topic even though it may churn up a lot of feelings. It may mean tears and lamentation, anguish, guilt, and inconsolable sorrow.
One should let the family or individual mourning know that you are available at anytime they need you. You may leave you phone numbers with them so that when they need you, it will not be difficult for them to get in touch with you. This is because most mourners when left alone, and especially at the middle of the night, they feel the need of human contact. It has been observed that during mourning time most visitors who come to comfort the mourners ask specific questions about the deceased. Don’t barrage them with such questions, especially if they are not volunteering to share with you. Don’t criticize the mourners’ actions either. Don’t also impose your ideas about how long grief ought to last. Your role as far as grieving is concerned is to support. Clichés are not allowed as comments. Most people will, indeed, feel better as time goes by. Don’t say something like “You will get over this soon.” Don’t impose your spiritual beliefs on
people when they mourn.
One should not compare personal grief if one has had any with those that are grieving at the moment. Similarly do not diminish the grief a person is feeling by pointing out that things could be worse. One should not say that the bereaved should be grateful because the death was swift or the person was old. Age does not diminish grief. Do not say that other people have suffered more or that life is better where the deceased is. Comments like this only force the mourners, at the moment when they may be suffering the worst loss of their entire lives, to agree that things aren’t so bad. That may make one feel better. It makes them feel manipulated and unrecognized. Above all remember the reason for being around a person who is recently bereaved. If one can’t bear to be around a griever, he or she should send notes. The only one thing you need to remember is to be compassionate.
Looking at the future with positive thoughts is like closing a wound hence the process of healing. The scar may be visible and may be permanently there, but eventually the wound has healed. In the author’s community where was born and raised, in Africa, there are rituals and ceremonies that bring the bereaving person to a new beginning. Friends and neighbors meet at the family of the deceased after the funeral, and symbolically drive away the spirit of death in the family. In this case the ritual is to separate the living and the death and to give assurance to the living that they have to continue with life positively. This becomes a bridge to the future whereby the living are left to continue their lives with a new hope. The very fact that they begin to have thoughts of a future leads them to a fledgling feeling of hope. This marks the beginning of being able to look
back past the tragic events of the death to see the happy memories that the living had with the loved ones before death attacked. A more realistic view replaces the idealistic one that helps them through the earlier phases of bereavement. An idealistic view works very well for the bereaved when they need balance for their ambivalent feelings (Sanders 1992, 101). This brings about grace, comfort, and peace. It signals that the end is not here yet. Contentment about the past and hope for the future accompany acceptance. In author’s community as said earlier, the living have a strong sense of belief that they will reconnect with their loved ones already departed, “The living Dead.”[1] Sanders further points out that once we are able to finally think in these terms, we are ready to move on to the final stage of grief, that of renewal ( 1992, 101).
In his book, Transition, William Bridges says of new beginnings that we come to beginning only at the end. He writes, “it in is the ending and the time of fallow neutrality is finished that we can launch ourselves out new, changed and renewed by the destruction of the old life-phase and the journey through the nowhere” (1998, 19).We have discussed so far the different stages that people go through when they are faced with tragic news of the death of a loved one. Among them are anger, coping mechanism, and confusion. Kubler - Ross acknowledges that the one thing that usually persists through these stages is hope (Kubler 1969, 148). Hope builds transcendence[2] which most mourners need to the rebuild in order to restore their lives to “normalcy.” They find a new normalcy, one that has a greater quality. They are growing, and will continue to grow, beyond the person they were at the time of death. Moody points out that people who transcend beyond the death of their pain begin to feel elevated above their former selves. They become stronger, kinder to self and others, and more appreciative of life (Moody 2001, 134). The living should be responsible for their lives and destiny. After death of a loved one, we cannot in any way escape loneliness nor be totally free. After death the living are all alone anyway; thus they have to learn a certain amount of independence; otherwise they will be overwhelmed by fear and uncertainty when loneliness became the order of everyday. Whereas most survivors become better human beings, the area that causes most trouble for many mourners is lack of emotional
independence. They fear their own mortality, suffer from prolonged stress, or grief-prone personality types. In her book Surviving Grief, Sanders asserts, “We must eventually learn to focus on positive aspects of our newfound freedom. In the beginning of grief, this need is hard to see. Like everything else in the process of bereavement, it takes a long to come into focus. We usually have to confront our loneliness, meaninglessness, emptiness, guilt, and isolation to realize that we won’t be overcome by them. After the confrontation we become more stronger and freer.” (Sanders 1992, 107). Sascha in her poem adapted from “We need to Walk Alone” (1990) clearly explains how recovery can be sort:
And does the bitter grief
Keep you awake-
Look at it full
As you would look
Into avalanche
Sweeping your life away-
Look at the bitter grief
With conscious eyes,
As you looked on death.
And telling your brooding sorrow
Yea, you know - that death demands
Unwavering attention.
Do not avoid that truth
Your mind repeats, repeats -
And then there comes a truth
Beyond the truth …
(No, do not turn away)
Into your bitterness love finds a way
To give you comfort.
And yes, your heart will hear
The sun when night has ended.
Sascha
Whether one is healthier and happier or weaker and sicker and sadder depends on many things that we may not be able to discuss in this paper. But mostly the way one handles grief and does grief work determines how long the process is going to take. In other words, what one believe about recovering from grief will in large measure determine what one can reasonably expect. Rando says that in grieving work total recovery or resolution of mourning, in the sense of completely and permanently finishing it and never being troubled by some measure of loss, is a false goal and usually does not occur (Rando 1988). When the work of mourning is finished, the reality of death is accepted. And recovery would mean living with loss and adjusting to life accordingly.
Catherine Sanders (1992) gives action to take for a bright future:Don’t be afraid to continue talking about your beloved person, even though much time has now passed since the death. You have every right to include your memories as a healthy part of your new life.
Continue to maintain a health and physical fitness regimen, eating well and exercising. You will have more energy as you move out into a new world that, hopefully, will become a way of life.
Realize that you have changed. Don’t let others try to put you back into old roles, and be especially aware of your own susceptibility to reengaging them. This will take constant vigilance. When you fell guilty over something you feel you should do, be wary. This is first sign that pressure is being applied. Head it off quickly. Comb your consciousness for any unfinished business you may not have completed with the deceased. Now is the time to deal with it, either in a small or “homemade” ritual or by talking it over with a trusted friend. Don’t harbor
unfinished sequences inside yourself.
As you move into your new found identity, allow personal restrictions to ease. If you worry, feel a sense of freedom as you do it. Being outrageous is fun sometimes. Plan a ritual to end you grief whenever you feel ready. Instead of being anticlimactic after this length of time, it is most appropriate. Few rituals are offers for grief in the first place. Try to recount some of the gains that have come to you during you bereavement a new found friend, development of more compassion for others, a new skill or interest. Tallying the gains will help you to offset some of the negative memories. Accept that you feel lonely at times. Loneliness is part of the transition of grief. You will miss the roles you used to occupy and will long for things to be the same again. Acknowledge the loneliness until it passes.
[1] John S. Mbiti in his book African Philosophy describe the departed as living dead who will reunite with the living in the future. John Mbiti is an African Philosopher with strong believes of the life hereafter.
[2] Transcendence is a spiritual rebirth, which requires stepping in the deepest valley of sorrow.
Catherine Sanders (1992) gives action to take for a bright future:Don’t be afraid to continue talking about your beloved person, even though much time has now passed since the death. You have every right to include your memories as a healthy part of your new life.
Continue to maintain a health and physical fitness regimen, eating well and exercising. You will have more energy as you move out into a new world that, hopefully, will become a way of life.
Realize that you have changed. Don’t let others try to put you back into old roles, and be especially aware of your own susceptibility to reengaging them. This will take constant vigilance. When you fell guilty over something you feel you should do, be wary. This is first sign that pressure is being applied. Head it off quickly. Comb your consciousness for any unfinished business you may not have completed with the deceased. Now is the time to deal with it, either in a small or “homemade” ritual or by talking it over with a trusted friend. Don’t harbor
unfinished sequences inside yourself.
As you move into your new found identity, allow personal restrictions to ease. If you worry, feel a sense of freedom as you do it. Being outrageous is fun sometimes. Plan a ritual to end you grief whenever you feel ready. Instead of being anticlimactic after this length of time, it is most appropriate. Few rituals are offers for grief in the first place. Try to recount some of the gains that have come to you during you bereavement a new found friend, development of more compassion for others, a new skill or interest. Tallying the gains will help you to offset some of the negative memories. Accept that you feel lonely at times. Loneliness is part of the transition of grief. You will miss the roles you used to occupy and will long for things to be the same again. Acknowledge the loneliness until it passes.
[1] John S. Mbiti in his book African Philosophy describe the departed as living dead who will reunite with the living in the future. John Mbiti is an African Philosopher with strong believes of the life hereafter.
[2] Transcendence is a spiritual rebirth, which requires stepping in the deepest valley of sorrow.
