Chapter Five- Helping Families Cope with Bereavement

Whenever a family member dies, there is a process that a healthy family undergoes in response to the loss of one of their own. After the death of one of the family members the family needs to get itself back into the rhythm and balance that was lost when the family member died. When we consider bereavement, we usually think in terms of separate individual grief, rather than thinking of it as a thing for the whole family. When someone dies a whole family has lost someone. Many times families are not aware of what they are doing. During the loss of a family member, individuals mourn differently depending on who has lost whom. The death of a spouse will alter in some way the survivor’s relationship. On the one hand children lose so much when siblings die. When they lose their brother or sister, they lose their family as they know it. The loss is profound. Brothers and sisters share a special bond. On the other hand, death of a parent is one of the most difficult experiences of lifetime. For children left behind after the death of a
parent, it shifts responsibilities onto their own shoulders. And as we shall see in this chapter, the death of a child is an ordeal so traumatic that for many parents, it is profoundly painful. It throws many parents off balance.

Whether it comes suddenly or slowly, early or late, violently or serenely, the death of a loved one changes one’s world in a way that nothing else can. In a family setting the mourning families often have difficulty finding any of their own to validate each other’s feelings. At a bereavement meeting, we met a woman who was grieving the death of her mother. One day she made a mistake of crying in front of her sister. “What’s wrong with you?” her sister asked. Mourning does not have a timetable and individuals can mourn and grief for different lengths of time. One’s response, however, of the death of a parent will of course be influenced by a number of factors. The young woman in this case might have had strong relationship with her mother; for that reason she mourned the longest. According to Rando, the importance of the loss will be determined by the meaning of the relationship and the roles the parent played in one’s life at the time of death (1988, 137). These include the loss related to social expectations of the parent – the social roles and functions that the diseased played and expect to play in the future in his or her family, and in society at large, in addition to the simple unexpectedness of someone young dying before the older one (Kagan1998, 130). With all these complexities of the family, how do
we help the entire family deal with bereavement?

When a member of a family is dead, the whole family suffers the same profound loss at the same time. Acute grief disables all in the family. But, though particular styles of response are different, all are undone. Grief cuts all the family members at the knees, drains and depletes all. No one has power left to help the other. In the same family, one can see the other sinking, but no one is there to help for it is like all are drowning and none can help. Rosof points out that, “how one deals with loss of a family member is influenced by gender and the family that one grew into” (1994, 93). Men deal with grief different than woman.

Whatever the case may be, there is nothing like a good death in the family to bring out the best in humans. Thus, when there is a death in the family, the family needs to be looked after. Their emotional needs- needs to be taken care of; attention to them as mourners needs to be addressed. Many families at the time of loss want to feel noticed, protected, loved, and even are surprised by how caring people can be in terms of help. They need to receive flowers from friends, and neighbors. They need hugs of love and comfort. On many occasions they need many, they need thoughts to support them in planning for the funeral and after. Even those families that neither seek nor desire outside assistance find solace and strength when it is offered. according to Lightner, the majority of the help is offered in the beginning. Immediately after the death and for a few weeks following the funeral, friends can be exceptionally sensitive and giving. Flowers, food, phone calls, fond reminiscences, and, above all the mere presence of other people
are profoundly consoling. They convey the message that others recognize the depth of the loss, understand how difficult the adjustment is and want to help. This is something mourners are grateful to receive (Lighter 1990, 40).

When the whole family is in bereavement, it is a needy time. As mourners they are vulnerable in the extreme. Many things need to be done in the family, and yet the world has crashed on them. By the death of a loved one in the family, everything in life has been shattered. It is at this time that the family requires someone to call them and acknowledge the death of their loved one. Although they are individuals alone in their grief, personally affected, talking and sharing, and allowing other people inside their hearts as they mourn and grief, can lessen pain. Calling, and dropping by, are some of the ways that help can be given to family member at the time of loss. Tokens or flowers or cards pack have a lot of meaning to the bereaved family. One does not need to say much. An other important thing to do during bereavement is sharing. As Anders contends, families and friends who stay open, sharing their feelings whether hot or cold, trust each other more readily and survive losses with less guilt or ambivalence than families living with barriers (Sanders 1992, 203). Lightner agrees with Sanders when she points out that most mourners supremely touched when friends share stories about the deceased with them (Lightner1990, 46). Grief shared is grief diminished.

What most mourners seek is an indication that they will live through this sorrow, and that other people understand and sympathize. We need to know that as friends to those mourning, about whom we really care, there are easy ways to show them that we love them. We need to provide practical help. One can offer to go to the dry cleaner’s or wash the car. Bringing food is a custom that still serves today. It should be encouraged for the bereaved family will not have time to cook for themselves and the visitors coming to the family. Offering to cook food and bring it to the family is positive support. Attending the funeral service counts. It is support to the family. Many mourners have been incalculably moved by large turned at the funeral day. It makes a difference to the mourner to know that other people share their grief. And it is good to know that one’s loved one affected the lives of so many others. One can walk, share meals, or help the mourner clean out the garage. One’s presence matters. Many bereaved people spend a great deal of time alone; they dwell in grief, fear, and despair. During those empty hours and days, nothing is more soothing than the presence of an understanding friend. However, some people may want to be alone for them to process what is going on in their lives. Or they may wish to be speared the necessary of talk. One can continue to call weeks and months after the death. That’s
when many people begin to disappear into the ether, and that’s often when contact is most appreciated. One should ask if there is anything to be done to help. “Or do you want to talk?” Sometimes by asking a question help in clarifying the need.

One should touch the mourner to keep connected. Sometimes just a pat on the shoulder, back or a hug is all that is needed. It means a lot because the person in mourning often is touch deprived. Widows and widowers certainly feel this deprivation, but so do people who lose children – especially if the are single parents. If one is a single mother, physical touch is so important. To have someone there to hug the mourner, to put an arm around the shoulders or to touch the mourner’s hand, is extremely comforting. As the touching continues, let the mourner speak. This time of holding and letting the mourner speak helps them vent what is inside of them. It may be frustrations, anger, hopelessness, depression, and they may be desperate. Actually sitting in the kitchen and listening to someone who is bereaved can be helpful. When someone you love is mourning, it is kindness to listen, even if you have heard the story before. If the mourner
brings up the subject of the deceased or the death, it is always advisable to listen without
changing the topic even though it may churn up a lot of feelings. It may mean tears and lamentation, anguish, guilt, and inconsolable sorrow.

One should let the family or individual mourning know that you are available at anytime they need you. You may leave you phone numbers with them so that when they need you, it will not be difficult for them to get in touch with you. This is because most mourners when left alone, and especially at the middle of the night, they feel the need of human contact. It has been observed that during mourning time most visitors who come to comfort the mourners ask specific questions about the deceased. Don’t barrage them with such questions, especially if they are not volunteering to share with you. Don’t criticize the mourners’ actions either. Don’t also impose your ideas about how long grief ought to last. Your role as far as grieving is concerned is to support. Clichés are not allowed as comments. Most people will, indeed, feel better as time goes by. Don’t say something like “You will get over this soon.” Don’t impose your spiritual beliefs on
people when they mourn.

One should not compare personal grief if one has had any with those that are grieving at the moment. Similarly do not diminish the grief a person is feeling by pointing out that things could be worse. One should not say that the bereaved should be grateful because the death was swift or the person was old. Age does not diminish grief. Do not say that other people have suffered more or that life is better where the deceased is. Comments like this only force the mourners, at the moment when they may be suffering the worst loss of their entire lives, to agree that things aren’t so bad. That may make one feel better. It makes them feel manipulated and unrecognized. Above all remember the reason for being around a person who is recently bereaved. If one can’t bear to be around a griever, he or she should send notes. The only one thing you need to remember is to be compassionate.

Looking at the future with positive thoughts is like closing a wound hence the process of healing. The scar may be visible and may be permanently there, but eventually the wound has healed. In the author’s community where was born and raised, in Africa, there are rituals and ceremonies that bring the bereaving person to a new beginning. Friends and neighbors meet at the family of the deceased after the funeral, and symbolically drive away the spirit of death in the family. In this case the ritual is to separate the living and the death and to give assurance to the living that they have to continue with life positively. This becomes a bridge to the future whereby the living are left to continue their lives with a new hope. The very fact that they begin to have thoughts of a future leads them to a fledgling feeling of hope. This marks the beginning of being able to look
back past the tragic events of the death to see the happy memories that the living had with the loved ones before death attacked. A more realistic view replaces the idealistic one that helps them through the earlier phases of bereavement. An idealistic view works very well for the bereaved when they need balance for their ambivalent feelings (Sanders 1992, 101). This brings about grace, comfort, and peace. It signals that the end is not here yet. Contentment about the past and hope for the future accompany acceptance. In author’s community as said earlier, the living have a strong sense of belief that they will reconnect with their loved ones already departed, “The living Dead.”[1] Sanders further points out that once we are able to finally think in these terms, we are ready to move on to the final stage of grief, that of renewal ( 1992, 101).

In his book, Transition, William Bridges says of new beginnings that we come to beginning only at the end. He writes, “it in is the ending and the time of fallow neutrality is finished that we can launch ourselves out new, changed and renewed by the destruction of the old life-phase and the journey through the nowhere” (1998, 19).We have discussed so far the different stages that people go through when they are faced with tragic news of the death of a loved one. Among them are anger, coping mechanism, and confusion. Kubler - Ross acknowledges that the one thing that usually persists through these stages is hope (Kubler 1969, 148). Hope builds transcendence[2] which most mourners need to the rebuild in order to restore their lives to “normalcy.” They find a new normalcy, one that has a greater quality. They are growing, and will continue to grow, beyond the person they were at the time of death. Moody points out that people who transcend beyond the death of their pain begin to feel elevated above their former selves. They become stronger, kinder to self and others, and more appreciative of life (Moody 2001, 134). The living should be responsible for their lives and destiny. After death of a loved one, we cannot in any way escape loneliness nor be totally free. After death the living are all alone anyway; thus they have to learn a certain amount of independence; otherwise they will be overwhelmed by fear and uncertainty when loneliness became the order of everyday. Whereas most survivors become better human beings, the area that causes most trouble for many mourners is lack of emotional

independence. They fear their own mortality, suffer from prolonged stress, or grief-prone personality types. In her book Surviving Grief, Sanders asserts, “We must eventually learn to focus on positive aspects of our newfound freedom. In the beginning of grief, this need is hard to see. Like everything else in the process of bereavement, it takes a long to come into focus. We usually have to confront our loneliness, meaninglessness, emptiness, guilt, and isolation to realize that we won’t be overcome by them. After the confrontation we become more stronger and freer.” (Sanders 1992, 107). Sascha in her poem adapted from “We need to Walk Alone” (1990) clearly explains how recovery can be sort:

And does the bitter grief
Keep you awake-
Look at it full
As you would look
Into avalanche
Sweeping your life away-
Look at the bitter grief
With conscious eyes,
As you looked on death.
And telling your brooding sorrow
Yea, you know - that death demands
Unwavering attention.
Do not avoid that truth
Your mind repeats, repeats -
And then there comes a truth
Beyond the truth …
(No, do not turn away)

Into your bitterness love finds a way

To give you comfort.

And yes, your heart will hear
The sun when night has ended.

Sascha

Whether one is healthier and happier or weaker and sicker and sadder depends on many things that we may not be able to discuss in this paper. But mostly the way one handles grief and does grief work determines how long the process is going to take. In other words, what one believe about recovering from grief will in large measure determine what one can reasonably expect. Rando says that in grieving work total recovery or resolution of mourning, in the sense of completely and permanently finishing it and never being troubled by some measure of loss, is a false goal and usually does not occur (Rando 1988). When the work of mourning is finished, the reality of death is accepted. And recovery would mean living with loss and adjusting to life accordingly.

Catherine Sanders (1992) gives action to take for a bright future:Don’t be afraid to continue talking about your beloved person, even though much time has now passed since the death. You have every right to include your memories as a healthy part of your new life.

Continue to maintain a health and physical fitness regimen, eating well and exercising. You will have more energy as you move out into a new world that, hopefully, will become a way of life.

Realize that you have changed. Don’t let others try to put you back into old roles, and be especially aware of your own susceptibility to reengaging them. This will take constant vigilance. When you fell guilty over something you feel you should do, be wary. This is first sign that pressure is being applied. Head it off quickly. Comb your consciousness for any unfinished business you may not have completed with the deceased. Now is the time to deal with it, either in a small or “homemade” ritual or by talking it over with a trusted friend. Don’t harbor
unfinished sequences inside yourself.
As you move into your new found identity, allow personal restrictions to ease. If you worry, feel a sense of freedom as you do it. Being outrageous is fun sometimes. Plan a ritual to end you grief whenever you feel ready. Instead of being anticlimactic after this length of time, it is most appropriate. Few rituals are offers for grief in the first place. Try to recount some of the gains that have come to you during you bereavement a new found friend, development of more compassion for others, a new skill or interest. Tallying the gains will help you to offset some of the negative memories. Accept that you feel lonely at times. Loneliness is part of the transition of grief. You will miss the roles you used to occupy and will long for things to be the same again. Acknowledge the loneliness until it passes.

[1] John S. Mbiti in his book African Philosophy describe the departed as living dead who will reunite with the living in the future. John Mbiti is an African Philosopher with strong believes of the life hereafter.
[2] Transcendence is a spiritual rebirth, which requires stepping in the deepest valley of sorrow.

Chapter Four- When the Curtain Closes

When death has occurred, often it is difficult to understand the behavior of the bereaved family. Most people cry all the time, others think deep about the dead person and sometimes feel sad. Others still become irritable on the anniversary of a loved one. Maria, whose husband died while she was only thirty-two years old, questioned her own sanity. We are left wondering why the dead have such a hold on the living. The person is gone yet, he or she is still very much a part of the living’s life. Psychologists have engaged themselves in the study of reaction to death. Elizabeth Kubler - Ross points out that the first stage can be denial. The act of denial means that individuals push the idea out of there head as absurd, ludicrous, something that cannot be happening to someone known to them. Denial she points out, needs to be bad. It may even free people to act (1977, 36). Many people function as if they are in a dream. Others go through certain motions, carried along by events. It may be necessary to deny a reality that one is not
ready to acknowledge. Denial, then, has its uses. It gives us time to readjust our thoughts.

Many people become preoccupied with everything that happened the last few days before death. They look for omens, small signs that fore show the death. Many still seek a way to make death part of a pattern. This allows many to restore some order to the world turned upside down. All these responses are perfectly in accord with the normal response of most people when they experience death.

After denial, many people find themselves in a state of depression. Nothing seems to work. The curtain has closed. Hope is gone. No longer can loved ones see him/her again. Depression persists. Many become detached from reality. According to Robert, depression can be based on real or imaginary concerns (1978, 46). When depression persists the mourner may seek professional counseling help. Depression though is a normal stage for the mourner

As discussed earlier in this chapter four, the bereaved persons have questions that may contain all the anger, rage, despair, and frustration that is contained in the secular “Why me? What will happen to me when life ends? What has my life meant?” Which may also be addressing the question of faith. These are inherently issues of the spirit, not issues for the biology or chemistry. Looking at the “why me” question, there is rage against God for allowing death to happen. Or there may be a strong sense of disappointment. The bereaved family or individual may feel that he or she has observed her/his religious life all her/his life and now she or he is abandoned and cheated of the reward she or he expected. Religion is often identified with adherence to a part-
icular set of institutionalized belief systems and for some it has suggestions of the super-
natural. Religion itself plays an important part in the lives of Americans. A Gallup government Census 2001) poll found that 95% of those surveyed believed in God; 68% indicate they were members of a religious institution, and 44% had attended in the past seven days. About 58% of those polled said religion was very important in life. It is at this time that pastoral care to the person or and family is necessary. Survivors have a strong need to search for meaning. They are trying to understand something they cannot understand. One should recognize and understand that their search is justified and necessary ( Kubler - Ross 1980, 154). We may need to ask, what is pastoral care?. Pastoral care is communication of the word of God/Creator or the Supreme. It springs from the living Word of God given to the church. Pastoral care means and is care for the souls of man. Therefore man is the object of pastoral care.

Spirituality is an expression of how the person relates to a larger whole that which an individual perceives as greater than him or herself. The nature of this transcendent purpose can be expressed in different way. It can be expressed through a religious tradition or, perhaps, through a regard for nature. For other persons it may be expressed through connection to the other human family itself or in some other way. Spirituality provides a source of meaning and understanding about the significant of being human. It address the question “Why am I here?” An expression of spirituality can occur without any specific religious belief. Death in most cases shatters conception of the world. Many people feel an insistent hunger for understanding. Why did this happen? By seeking explanations, whether practical o spiritual, we attempt to reduce the terror of loss and reach some inner resolution about it. The pastoral caregivers duty is to make sense of the world.

Buckman asserts, “to support a bereaving family or individuals in their spiritual understanding of death, various things should be put in consideration” (1988, 24). The pastor should decide if he/she is close enough to approach the topic. A person’s/ family’s feelings about religious beliefs are very important and intimate. A pastor or counselor should not open a discussion with the bereaved family about them unless he/she is close to them. Pastoral counselors should remember to be sensitive. They tread delicately as they handle the issue at hand (Death). One should try to decide if bad theology is doing harm to the bereaved family or individuals. This also requires sensitivity and a readiness to listen without leaping to premature judgment or condemnations. If the pastor cannot decide whether or not the family is being helped and supported by their religious beliefs then, he/she should get help. The patient may find a discussion with a chaplain, social worker, and psychotherapist helpful. The pastor should do not take the lead in what the discussion is all about. Honor the family choice. This is not time to impose one’s theology on others. If the family’s religious beliefs happen to differ from the pastors beliefs, as long as they work for them, he/she should honor and support them. Being there and listening is the role of a pastoral caregiver.

One should note that as the pastor gives pastoral support to the family, difference in religious beliefs may sometimes appear to be so fundamental and so divisive that communication is threatened. No religion has a monopoly on truth and morality or has all the answers to life’s questions. So when a family is dealing with death, the pastoral caregiver should be looking at the practical value of the family’s religion as they practice it. The most sincere compliment mourning families can receive is to be listened to without judgment. The pastoral caregiver should take time to be sensitive to the inner need. It makes no difference how often they tell the story, what their faith is, or how much it varies. It is in the involvement of replaying events – struggling to understand and accept within their frame of reference. The pastoral caregiver may not need to speak about faith, or God, but to just be present and listen. Kubler-Ross points out that once the
patient dies, she find it cruel and inappropriate to speak the love of God (1996, 156). Abraham in his book The Art of Listening with Love says, listening to others in a loving, attentive way can transform them and their relationships, and help the speaker to feel better understood (1998, 89).

During the intense last few weeks of life, the physician not only cares for the patient, but often for the spouse and other family. However, after the patient has died, the family continues to need contact from the physician and to a large scale other medical staff. A physician’s responsibility for the care of a patient does not end when the patient dies. There is one more responsibility, to help the bereaved family members. This, however, takes a lot of toll from the physician and his/her staff. Earl observes that “watching patients deteriorates and die in their prime is emotionally draining” (1992 75 ). Kubler – Ross echoes the same thoughts when she says that, “clergy have only recently regained some meaning, some entry, and some role. The clergy deserves a significant place not only in helping the dying patient but in serving as a resource to the patient’s family and, hopefully, to the physician or to other health professionals who are troubled by the burden placed on their shoulders” (1975 14). How then do we take care of the medical staff as they work in such a stressful surrounding? On the other hand, patients who suffer damage at the hands of their physicians often seek compensation through malpractice suits, and physicians and hospitals view such suits as perhaps the only outcomes to be earnestly avoided, than the errors from which they presumably arise. Defensive[1] medicine, in which physicians make treatment decisions not strictly on the basis of what is best for the patient but also in part on the basis of what, will establish the most defensible record of physician behavior.

The other important factor to consider is the common cause of patients or and relatives being dissatisfied with the medical care providers, gap in communication. communication sometimes just gets off on the wrong foot. Considering that the medical care team is expected to provide the best care, they are only part of the team. Patients and family need to make the medical care team understand the needs of the patients so that the right care can be administered.

The increasing cases of medical caregivers breakdown ( Lack of proper communication, because of emotional drain), the spiritual and emotional care that the clergy can provide may significantly affect how the medical team is adversary going to be effective. Spiritual caregivers not only work with patients but also with staff who need support. An objective spiritual team should be able to identify or foresee potential problems among the medical staff and act quickly. The emotional and spiritual needs of the teams need to be addressed by professionals in the area, it is important to remember that the medical caregivers will themselves require spiritual support. The ability of team members properly to minister over the long term may depend on how much they are cared for themselves.

Grief is something silent, like snowflakes falling on a dark winter’s night, but never peaceful or serene or pretty like the pure white snow. When grief is silent, the tears seem to turn to ice, like the snowflakes, before the reach they eyes. Bereavement is sometimes raging, like a monstrous thunderstorm with all its fury and bolts of lightning sticking the hearts of the bereaved family. Bereavement[2] is complex and many people are frightened by it, frightened by feeling it, frightened by seeing it in others (Lighter 1990, 205). It takes time to get over the death of a loved one. On bereavement Kagan points out that, “grief reactions are more introverted reactions, similar to bereavement. This is characterized by more extroverted reactions, similar to mourning” (1998, 91– 92). Bereavement refers to the general state of one who has suffered loss and includes both grief and mourning. Grieving therefore is the work of coming to terms with the fact with the fact that the loved is dead.

Immediately after the death of a loved one, especially if the death was unexpected, the bereaved cannot simply face the loss all alone. As discussed at the beginning of this chapter, many people have periods of denial. Offering bereavement support is a task that has to be done in order for the bereaved to be successful in adjusting to the loss. Readjusting to the new world without the loved one takes a great patience and much practice. It is achieved painfully step- by step, as one gradually continues to come to grips with that person not being in one’s life as he was before. However, recovery from bereavement can only be partial, never complete: Many things are lost, many things are changed for both better and worse they are never the same (Shuchter 1998, 298).Rando agrees with this view when he points out that, “If the person you lost was truly significant to you, grief is not usually resolved in the sense of being finished and completely settled forever” (1984, 225).

When a loved one is dead, the severing family will have to find a way to make up for what is lost through death (The love one).They either compensate in some way for what they have lost or their desire for what they wanted or needed, that now is unfulfilled. The bereaved must confront the reality of their loss and learn to cope successfully with the onslaught of feelings that naturally accompany loss. The bereaved must achieved some balance that allows them to experience their pain, sense of loss loneliness, fear, anger, guilt, and sadness. It is true that during the early weeks of one’s grief, when the realization of loss has come true, it is accompanied by painful emotions; the bereaved are usually in such a state of mental and emotional upheaval that questions of acceptance barely occur in them. As a result, the bereaved have to change emotional investment in the deceased and accommodate to the fact of not being there. It means that the emotional energy that one had invested in the deceased is readjusted to allow one to direct it towards others who can reciprocate it in an ongoing fashion for emotional satisfaction (Rando 1984, 230).

Psychologically, we are incapable of relinquishing all the bonds, connections, and ties that are a part of our most intimate relationships. While at the hospital as a chaplain, was called to give emotional support to a woman who had lost her husband of forty years. The first words that she said were, “how am I going to get along without him?” The bereaved person must be emotionally prepared to live with an altered relationship with the dead spouse. The woman in this case was not prepared emotionally. While many of the bereaved continue their relationships with family and friends in much the same way after their spouses’ death, it is difficult to imagine a situation where no change occurs (Shuchter 1986, 302). Learning to live alone or feeling alone after the death of a loved one is part of the process of death


There are a number of signs, which can signal that different people need professional help in their bereavement. This is always dependent upon the unique characteristics of the particular griever, the specific death and what it means to the griever and the social and Physical factors influencing the mourner’s grief. Ross Betsy, says that to help the grievers accomplish it is being willing to listen to their story over and over. We desperately need the help of friends in getting through bereavement. Human beings are not animals and they need the support of people who love them and accept ups and down. Bender contends that friends can help those who have lost a loved one simply by acknowledging the importance of their grief. Friends of the bereaved can offer support in a number of ways (Bender 1998 123). `

As with other aspects of bereavement and grief, the answer is extremely personal. Some people find solace in work or play; others seek out companions; still others withdraw for a while. Each of these responses to loss makes sense to some degree. We need companionship. We need solitude. Ultimately, we must return to the outside world and all its complex ways of involving us. Some people, on experiencing the confusion that often follows a death, seek counseling or therapy to help them deal with their situation. Unfortunately some people dismiss the possibility out of hand. However most people who seek therapy during bereavement are dealing with at least issue of death.

Therapy during the grief process serves much the same purposes as it does under other circumstances. It allows one to express emotions. It provides a place for clarifying problems and exploring possible solutions. Therapists have many methods of helping clients deal with bereavement. One-to- one is often helpful during the grief process. Our concern however is what is referred to bereavement group. Myers in his book When Parent Die calls them grief workshop, bereavement seminars, mourning clinics, (1986). Despite their numerous titles, these groups all provide some form of group therapy or consciousness-raising; some stress self-help and are a form of peer counseling. Most are organized groups. Candlelighters is a non profit organization with emphasis on promoting an emotional support system to each other (Donnelly 1984, 240).The bereavement group does in fact seem to provide the safe place in which those grieving want to participants in the group will find themselves able to feel and express what has seemed embarrassing or even forbidden elsewhere.

Just as hospice care often meets special needs of the dying, the bereavement support groups meet special needs of the bereaved. In addition, bereavement groups often serve a function beyond that of one-to-one therapy, to provide a sense of common experience and support among people going through substantial changes in their lives. If one has

been fortunate enough to know those who have had successful experiences in treatment in the past, a personal referral is always the best to have. Profession organizations, on the other hand, are the next option. Rando advise that family service agencies, hospitals, community service programs, mental health clinics, and college or university counseling centers are among other resources one could turn to for the name of professionals servicing a specific area (Rando 1988, 308).

These organizational structures by professionals are created to address the multiple levels of need as it is experienced by the bereaved. The group should meet once a week to share stories and listen to one another. Like many other support groups, this group should operate as a forum for examining bereaved experiences. The smaller the group the better for individuals, for they will feel free to speak or only listen. The small group will serve as an entry to the larger the organization. However, the focus of this group is to understand and cope with their experiences, and their efforts to provide support and reassurance to each other. According to Myers, “All we do is to create a safe place for people to express whatever they feel during their grief. We set it up so that people can responds in a way that will be helpful to them” (1986, 34). When such a group is set, the focus will be oriented to the emotional turmoil of the members. In the author’s parish ministry several years ago, he was part of a ministers’ team that had created a senior single mothers fellowship. The group met once a month to talk about issues that they face
as mothers caring for a family without the prospect of marrying. Members of this group showed great respect for the pain that each experienced as a single mother, and the need to talk about such feelings as sexual orientation were open. Like in bereavement group, themes initiated by one person’s internal stress were developed throughout the group. As a minister facilitator there is no problem of bringing people in the sport light by asking questions or asking them to contribute, they responded to each other positively. Shuchter points out that, “even in bereavement group, the therapist’s task is like that of a facilitator, although this task is frequently assumed by other members of the group” (1986, 330). Together the group came up with positive way of living right.

These groups can be wonderfully therapeutic in assisting each individual in them in mourning. They do not, however, replace in-depth professional assistance if is warranted, but they are uniquely supportive. They encourage, provide important information and accurate norms, and transmit advice, concrete guidance, and practical suggestions for dealing with bereavement. Schuchter observes that, “to be determined is the relative therapeutic efficacy of support groups in contrast to individual therapy for the bereaved” (1986, 332). When one is determined to deal with bereavement, Rando agrees with Schuchter by asserting that, “this can be quite helpful, since there are few sources of information in our society about how to be a mourner. Further he says that these groups can offer one the added benefits of opportunities to assist others. He further says, this helps one to break out of the passive victim’s role of bereavement. As a member of these groups one can get the unconditional acceptance and feelings of belonging that other members of the society may withhold the from the bereaved individual ” (1988, 311). See
Appendix 1.

[1] Treatment administered to the comfort of the patient.
[2] Bereavement is the state of being deprived after a love one’s death.